More Proof God is Laughing at Men. Alcohol May = Breast Cancer.

Throughout history the one thing that gave the average guy half a chance of getting his hands on a pair of boobs may be the one thing that takes boobs away. Studies show that women who drink heavily are up to 24% more likely to get breast cancer. Breast cancer sucks, but I’m more worried about me. I mean, if women can’t drink, what chance do guys like me have of feeling up a pair of boobs? The study makes clear that drinking in moderation does not seem to increase the risk of breast cancer. But moderate drinking never lead a girl to make a terrible mistake she would regret later, at least not where I'm concerned. They compared red and white wines to see if there was a difference. Red wines are known to help with many ailments. However there was no silver lining to this story, apparently all kinds of alcohol are equally bad in this case.
Supporting Evidence

Mexico Passes Bill to Lighten Minor Drug Possession Laws.

On the same day he announced the Swine Flu “epidemic” Cauldron passed 60 some bills through their Congress. Among those was a bill to cut back on enforcement against minor drug possession while increasing enforcement against major drug violations. He attempted to pass the bill in 2006 as well, noting that enforcing minor possession did little if anything to deter people from having drugs, and overcrowded prisons and bogged down justice system. However he did not sign the law due to pressure from the Bush Administration. Cauldron has not yet signed the bill, the Obama Administration though has not put any pressure on him not to, and Cauldron is expected to sign it soon. Over five thousand people died as a direct result of the war on drugs last year, they are on a similar pace for 2008. Reminder: 2754 people died in 911, and we still are reeling from it nearly 8 years later.

Weather Makes Amy Winehouse Drunk, Ruins Concert.

Amy Winehouse put on a concert in St. Lucia. She showed up an hour late, couldn’t remember the songs, and was guzzling large amounts of alcohol between sets. All kinds of hijinks were going on. At one point Amy Winehouse lunged at some backup singers. It started raining, and they canceled the concert. Publicists blamed the poor performance on the rain, stating that while most humans need water to sober up, Amy Winehouse is lizard people, and moisture absorbed through her scales caused inebriation – they also said Amy Winehouse was sad about the breakup with Blake Fielder-Civil, who looks like a shaved chimp on crack. Everyone knows that coupling between the lizard people and chimp people is strictly prohibited anyway because they make mole babies who live under our cities and take one sock every time we do laundry… whatever.